How to Create a Deadly Website

Creating a super site is simple. All you have to do is go to a decent book shop and pick up any of numerous titles which will give you step-by-step instruction on how to do it.

(You don't even need to fire up the car - just point your browser to Amazon, and an even greater choice awaits you.)

What's really difficult, however (and something no book will instruct you in), is how to put together a site which is guaranteed to send visitors to their bookmark file within seconds of hitting your site.

So, as we start a new year, dear readers, here, for easy reference, are a few pointers on how to deter visitors from ever penetrating the really interesting stuff at your site.

Remember, your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to:

• Drive away users;
• Obfuscate what your company does;
• Look like a rank amateur.

Drive Away Users

A good start is to present users with a long registration form before allowing them entry to the site. The form should ask questions like income, number of siblings, pre-existing medical conditions etc. Ideally, users should require a password which will be eMailed to them.

Include some background music in an obscure audio format which requires users to download a plug-in, quit, install, re-boot etc.

Use plenty of proprietary tags, and include lots of "Best Viewed with....." graphics;

The "homepage", when finally reached, should feature a huge graphic in millions of colors. Anything under 100k is inadequate. ALT tags should be omitted, as should "H=" and "W=" tags.

Obfuscation

This is more difficult than it sounds, requiring as it does the use of complex, industry-specific jargon (liberally spiced with words like "awesome" and the prefix "cyber-"), the grammar of which should include an unnecessarily large number of dependent clauses, which are preferably provided by the Research & Development Department in conjunction with the Director of Marketing, all of which tend to upend the existing paradigm , but only within the context of an aggressively post-modernist organization, despite the need to explore and develop an evolutionary (as opposed to revolutionary) business model which takes into account the restrictions of the New Medium.

Don't forget a "Mission Statement", "Our Goals", and "Our Vision". And the obligatory statement from the Chief Executive along with an unflattering image (see above).

Never include any contact information. Unless it's on level 8 of your site.

Look Like an Amateur

Needless Capitalization Is a Good Start, But Don't Forget; the Unnecessary punctuation And. Particularly Not The exclamation Points!!!!!!!!!

Bad spelling is more difficult than it appears, but homonyms usually escape spell-checking. "Its" and "it's" are good ones as are "they're" and "their".

Be reckless! With the degradation of written American, it can actually be quite difficult to come up with prose which is riddled with spelling errors which doesn't look OK to the average user.

Adverbs are fertile ground. "We do it good and quick" is the kind of thing we have in mind. But don't, under any circumstances, use the word "hopefully". Chances are, in attempting improper usage, you will stumble upon the correct usage.

Use frames in profusion, no less than five per page. If frames are beyond you, use tables - the bigger the better!

And remember - never, ever integrate your web efforts with any of your other publicity of promotional material....

--John Blower

Medriocrity

Every week, we get several hundred notifications of new sites on the Web from a variety of sources.

The number we take the time out to visit? Half-a-dozen at most.

What's up with us? Jaded? Maybe.

Perhaps we need a new pair of eyes to re-open our half-lidded pupils.

We equipped our intern - a charming 21 year-old, just out of a relatively obscure college in the North-West, who we had employed as a favor to her wealthy mother - with a laptop and an account and said to her "Tell us what's new and exciting out there."

Back came the answer: "Not a lot".

Admittedly, the typical "come-on" is hardly exciting. Take a look at this one for example:

4. NEW YORK, NY-Blue Dingo Digital announced the assignment of the Outback Steakhouse Restaurants Web Site. http://www.internetwire.com/technews/tn/tn980072.htx

What's wrong with this? And why did Monika (our intern) find it as unappetizing as we did?

Easy. It's poorly written. Unless you're a serious Australian carnivore, what possible interest could this release have for you?

However, had the copy read:

"A herd of herbivores hang out just outside Sydney, Australia. Why? Click here to find out..."

we might all have been at least tempted...

The good people at interwire.com were doing their client no favors whatsoever by releasing such a poorly-written release. And, of course, we assume that it was a mere oversight which omitted the apostrophe from "Restaurants"...

Get real. If you're crafting a press release, "craft" it! It's your first chance to get the great public interested in your site. Copy needs to be compelling and intriguing.

Let's face it, we're not all budding Shakespeares. If you know your imitations, hire a pro.

You know it makes sense...

--John Blower