Parachute Packing

Newspapers are having a tough go in the online employment business. With an old fashioned approach to pricing (by the line of text), the rest of the marketplace is literally robbing the classified advertising revenue bank that is so critical to newspaper survival. When a best selling book and a newspaper team up, the results should be no surprise.

What Color is Your Parachute goes to some lengths to counsel against using the net as a job hunting tool. Duh!. It erodes book sales and newspaper revenue.

Take a look at the "interviews" with job hunters which is the only web page we've seen that tries to use job hunting experience to prove that the net doesn't work.

Holiday Office Humor

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Fuqua School of Business, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"): action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Forbes ASAP

The task of remembering to look forward can get lost in the operational shuffle very easily. Having a copy of this edition next to your nightstand will give you a chance to keep putting things in perspective.

And, it's only in print.

Recruiters' Internet
Survival Guide

See a detailed index of our past issues

Week Ending December 08, 1996 Bad Design Tutorial Forbes ASAP Key Features For Recruiting Holiday Humor Parachute Packing	Week Ending December 01, 1996 Richard Miles Interview The Future Of Recruiting Staying Abreast Consumer Education Building Traffic
Week Ending November 24, 1996 Job Info Prototype Internet Fever Immigration Law Building Traffic Kaplan Career Center	Week Ending November 17, 1996 New Hodes Study Kelly's Super Site Chivas About Work Student Center
Week Ending November 10, 1996 IBM Eudora Bad Design Great Design Revolution StrategosNet	Week Ending November 3, 1996 Doing The Resume Sift Follow The Money Corporate Recruiting Managing Links 1997 ERI
Week Ending October 27, 1996 Non-Industry Recruiters Stalker's Page Career Descriptions HR: The Next Level Corporate Recruiters	Week Ending October 20, 1996 Internet Alternatives Watching The Newspapers 809 Phone Scam Resume Databases USJob.netWork
Week Ending October 13, 1996 Snorkeling The Web Email Etiquette Job Listings As Infotainment Niche-Ing With Nation Job	Week Ending October 6, 1996 Kevin Johansen Interview Community and Recruiting Starting A Web Business Web As Recruiting Tool Recruiters as Leaders The Future
Week Ending September 29 1996 Resources for Researchers Netshare Design: Doomed to Tombstones? Job Bank USA Regionalizing Austin Knight	2 Weeks Ending September 22 1996 Including: Job Lynx Career City Launches Better Not To Bother Scratch The Niche Role Of Marketing Salary Surveys
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