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Objects of Future Talent Wars
(February 5, 2002) - Here
are some results from a recent 6th Grade History test. Start investing in
Corporate Universities now.
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and
they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate
of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea
where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven
hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people,
and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth
is a female moth.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went
around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races,
jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus."
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was
canonized by Bernard Shaw.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before
her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
- It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir
Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to
be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
Regained.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed
the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided
against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on
an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very
large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman
Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
- John
Sumser
****************************************************************
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